Let it Marinate: The way you make me feel....
"I believe the disconnect has to do with wiring, mostly. Women stay with someone because of how she feels about them. Men stick around because of how their companion makes him feel about himself."
Happy Friday, Blogland. 
Wassup! Aight let's just dive in...A childhood friend of mine posted this comment that someone said to her. It brought back to mind a conversation I had with an ex-whatever. I was helping out someone and letting him stay in one of my guest rooms. Let me set it up for you. This guy was in the real estate industry. As you know, that industry has taken a big hit over the last few years. Well this summer, during the earlier part of our situation, I would pick up the check if I picked the place. Let's face it, I knew he really didn't have it and I wasn't going to order something I really didn't want to stay in his "budget".
Aight so fast forward...you know Newy has told you I detest DRAMA.
When he opened his mouth and uttered these words : "Sometimes you don't make me feel like a man". I knew it was going to be drama in 3...2...1 
I cleared my throat and continued to wipe off the counter(wiping a spot so hard I prolly wore down the laminate)....trying to maintain my cool then I said, "Come again...how do I make you feel any sort of way?"
"You make me feel like s*** cause I am not working and can't do certain things"
"How is that?"
"You don't need me for nuthin'. You hold it down and I can't even take you to dinner to the places you are used to going and if we ever start sleeping together I would feel like a kept man. "
Can I say zero to sixty in 5 seconds...
Yeah ya'll...Newy flipped the script...
"Lookie here....first of all, no one can make you feel inferior without your consent. Second if you are waiting for me to need you, that isn't gonna happen. Third I don't play the needy role. Well, if that is all it takes to make you feel like a man, you are never gonna feel that way with me. I am not with you cause I need you, cause then when the need was gone...you would be too. Finally, if I was sleeping with you...that would be the most expensive **** in the world cause boo-boo...you are under my roof albeit temporarily and not contributing to the pot."
Needless to say within a week of this conversation he was gone. 
So this brought up something for me to think about. In this new era with women working more and having more education (at times) Are we raising a society of sorry men? Or is it an ego thing? I mean for real...if I have my stuff together, why should I pretend to need someone for anything. Why should I downplay myself to make him feel better about himself?!?!? It's called SELF-esteem for a reason. It comes from self. So that leads back to the original quote...if a man is with a woman because of how she makes him feel about himself, shouldn't he welcome a woman that can contribute to the overall lifestyle he wishes to obtain and maintain? If his woman looks good, he looks good.
I can be supportive if I deem you as support worthy. I was a supportive friend, and I think he thought that the proximity(him living in my house) gave him a leg up. Nope. Because I never saw him that way. He was never a viable option and even thinking about dating him would have been SS(Settle Syndrome). And really it had nothing to do with him not really working. He had too many other issues that made him non-datable. I think it is easy for a woman to make a man feel a certain way about himself if she feels a certain way about him.
This has been another Newy perspective 
What's on your mind?
Talk to me....
A women must allow a man to feel that he is contributing to the
relationship, that he is needed, wanted and desired. If there is no need
for him or that he can so easily be replaced then he will stray. A real man
wants something that he can call his own. A real man is a protector of his
women and his family. He needs to know that he is a requirement and a
contributing factor in the success of the relationship. Call it pride if
you want. Maybe you play to his ego or whatever but men do it all the time
for you women. Maybe you have gain a few pounds and maybe those jeans and
that dress does not look so good on you anymore. The fact that a women
would got out her way to look good for her man, a man is only right to give
her just praise because she just may need it.
The thing is, why do I have to play damsel in distress to make him feel
needed?
In the last sentence you said "I think it is easy for a woman to make a man
feel a certain way about himself if she feels a certain way about him".
Ok I understand that a man wants to feel needed...I get that...but I guess
my real issue is that if you don't see that man in a manner that would make
you want to follow him, it is hard to even let him think he is leading you
anywhere.
And there you have it....That is what I'm talking about Angie. I don't
have a problem making a man feel all those things in spite of his
situation...but there has to be more to him than **** cause I can get that
when I can't eat. And the ex-roommate thought that if we got down that I
would be hooked. He had nothing else going for him and seemed content to be
in "bum mode" for lack of a better word. He seemed to wind up living with
different people for whatever reason and didn't seem to want to "man up".
That is what made him "non-datable".
On a lighter note, he must NOT be aware of the products on the market these
days. He better have more to him than just ****! Cuz you can buy one of
those and it will never let you down! Seriously, there is nothing more
pathetic than an insecure man. I'm talking insecure with his own manhood. A
job and money does not define you as a man, but how you carry yourself when
you're down. That's why I will always have my man's back. He knows he's a
man even when he runs out of his lotion and has to use my Bath & Body
Works! LOL!
I love that RRGW! Yeah a man that knows he's a man even when smelling like
Sensual Amber or Japanese Cherry Blossom LOL
Now, that's sexy. You definately did right. My husband was without a job
for 8 months following 911 and for the most part, I held it down while
potential employers kept telling him he was over-qualified. How can you be
over-qualified for UPS! Whatever the case, my husband did whatever he could
do and made it a point to be thankful that he had me to help him. That was
the sexiest thing he could have done. He eventually found a job, but never
let HIMSELF be less than a man! When you don't know who YOU are, YOU can't
be anything for anyone else.
But see...dude wasn't my man. I was HBO (Helping a Brotha Out) and he
thought "whew sweet setup lemme try to get in where I fit in" and the point
is I never saw him as anything other than a Brotha down on his luck that
needed a hand up...too bad he was looking for a handout instead. *shrug*
didn't even realize you were back in the blogosphere.
Well I guess you never left.
This gentleman didn't even hear the words that you said to him, I think.
And that is too bad. I don't know where these ideas keep coming from among
men. It's not television and I know it's not books. It must be word of
mouth.
The Mister and I constantly argue about the movie "You've got mail".
I tell him it is unrealistic and he tells me it is. Then I ask him to flip
the script. Suppose a woman came along and established a branch of her
gigantic business in a man's neighborhood effectively shutting down his
business and stifling everything he stood for in that neghborhood. When he
finds out his new girlfriend, and the evil tycoon are one and the same,
would he stay in that relationship?
Everything has to be either or. Either the man is in charge or he thinks
the woman is in charge. For some reason in their minds everything is a
power struggle. It is the nature of the beast.
But when it comes down to it, he often explains "the devil is strong". Yes,
I think in some ways it boils down to that. It is evil in this world that
tries to pit men and women against each other so that we cannot progress!
But if a man will sit and contemplate for a minute he can over come a lot
of of these trials.
Thank you GC!!!!! That's what I'm talking about. they have this "it's ok
for us not for you" thing going on. uggggggggggggggggggh yeah if the shoe
would have been on the other foot he would have been OUT!!!
Newy...
We've been friends for a long time and I don't think I've ever told you
this...but THIS SITUATION HERE...is why I don't have a man. Men see that I
have a house, I have a decent car, and I keep my nails done so they
say...YOU don't NEED a man!
And that right there MsSky is why me and you are peeps. Fa real. Like
last night a group of 8 of the flyest chics and I went to Copelands. We
didn't wait for a man to take us, we took ourselves. Not because we don't
want a man to do those things....but we can do those things for ourselves.
The man that I wind up with if God says the same will know "I need you
because I want you.. I need you not to complete me but to compliment the
completed me. I need you to balance me, lead me guide me. I need you
because God says I am your rib and while you may be able to function
without me, Brother, I really can't function without you. But I will until
God says the same."
I think that women are nurturers by nature and sometimes SOME men take that
as a ticket NOT man up. I think if you're in a RELATIONSHIP and for some
reason you fall on hard time(loss of job, etc.), now is not the time to get
all testosterone driven. As a man, I have never understood why it would
make brothers feel "like less of a man" because he didn't have a job and
his woman/friend was paying for dinner. Everyone involved knows the
situation, so I don't see why those feelings would enter the picture in the
first place. Since you can't provide in one way, there are many other ways
to contribute to a relationship. In the story above, when "I was rubbing
the counter until I rubbed until i wore down the laminte"...why wasn't he
rubbing the counter? Doing OTHER things around the house? I've always been
a teamwork kinda guy, I don't expect a woman to do anything I wouldn't
do..I go to the grocery store, wash ALL the clothes(and fold them and put
'em up)when I go get gas on Sunday evening, I take her car and fill it up
too. When I wash mine, I wash hers, etc. you get the point. I think in THIS
case, the brother had other motives on his mind which drove him to that
archaic type of thinking and eventually to leave. SELF esteem is kinda self
explanatory, but it's amazing how so many disregard it's meaning.
Jesse, I hear you. And him laying around all day and not really appearing
to have any desire to get out of his situation was one of the main reasons
I didn't want to be bothered with him. My thing is we are not dating...you
are living in my house FOR FREE...I come home from work after having worked
all day and I then have to COOK AND CLEAN the kitchen. Dude wasn't earning
his keep and I was just his friend. No way I would want to be his girl.