Someone like you

I guess I need to give you a glimpse of me.  Who am I?  I am a 35 year old single mom of 2.  Affectionately known to family and friends as Necie.  I have been doing some soul searching over the last couple of years...but even moreso these last couple of months.  I know that I don't want just any man to say that I have one.  I know I don't want just any job to say that I have one either.  Those things I know. 

As far as professionally, I want to do something that matters, something where I can make an impact on the world.  Right now I am an IT  geek...it is no longer challenging.  I can do these forensic analysis in my sleep and I am getting quite bored with it.  My passion really lies in the Arts.  I am a spoken word artist and I write as therapy.  I don't care if I have to spit my stuff in a mirror, I realized that I have a whole lot of stuff I keep bottled inside.  So about three years ago for the first time since I was twelve I began expressing myself poetically to release the frustrations I have.  The frustrations of being a single mother.  The frustrations of being a single African-American woman in search of a healthy, loving monogamous relationship.  The frustrations of being a Christian who still had some worldly desires (I will talk about this in some later posts) The frustrations of being the only African American in my department  in an old school corporation that did not like my outspoken nature (look for some corporate clone posts) and last but not least the very real  frustrations of having "middle child syndrome".  I am sure there are other folks who feel me on this...I am always compared to my older brother, but can't seem to catch the breaks my younger sister seems to get.  The bar is set so high for me that sometimes I don't even want to try. 

Now professionally, I seem to have it all together now.  I am no longer with that 'old school' company where I was unappreciated. I am now a consultant for a worldwide consulting firm.  Personally is another story.  I can't seem to get into a relationship that is the ying to my yang.   I heard that....I've got two kids so I must have found the ying to my yang at least twice. Nope.  That was good sex.  I have found that when I was younger, I often confused the two.  Good sex does not mean I am in love with him, or that he is good for me.  Sex(fornication that is) is one of those "worldly desires" I am struggling with.   I would like to tell you that it is a "used to".  I really would.  There are months that I can quench the desires, and then there are other months that I am a stone cold freak.  God is still working on me so I have a sign across my chest  "Pardon my dust, renovation in progress" 

Now I met someone and he had someone when we met.  So I was cool with being his homegirl.  Cause one thing I don't do is play in someone else's sandbox. We will call him Sandman. So I cool with it till we started communicating more....then I found myself thinking about him alot and in another capacity...not as a homegirl but when we add another element of distance to the mix, it seems that maybe it's not him but someone like him.  I think for him, I am a convienent distraction.  He was going through things in his relationship and as much as I wanted to scream "Leave her...come to me"  I told him the truth "I just want you to be happy."  Happy doesn't mean he is going to be with me...he loves her so much they are just going through some things.  The old me, who didn't care what your home situation was, would have been plotting sabotage.  But I am trying to be a friend...Lord knows that I wouldn't mind being "the one" but realistically, I know I am a distraction from the situation at hand.   I wanna say I'm ok with being a distraction cause he is FIONE but I'm not... over the course of our conversations, I have discovered that I have never been in love.  Never.  Cause I can say I  have never put anyone's needs over my own (except my kids). Yet with Sandman, I am concerned about his well-being.  Not to say that I was self -centered before, I just had the motto "You were doing it before you met me so what's the dealie?"   But with Sandman, I want to spend time, and don't mind spending money...When I think of that song "I'm sprung".  I realize I have never been there...not til now...and I want to be.  I can say that if I could "order up" a mate, I would want someone exactly like Sandman...except local, yep, Sandman, someone like you.

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