Driven

For the longest time, I really didn't understand what drives me.  I have been thinking of it lately, and one thing I have discovered was that as much as I tried not to be, I was driven by the need for approval.  O it was easy to say "I don't care what she/he thinks or says about me", but it is another thing to actually mean it!  I have spent a great deal of my 36 years trying to please unpleasable parents.  In an earlier entry, I alluded to 'middle child syndrome'. 

Researchers have done studies on how birth order effects your personality and I must say, it was dead-on about mine: Second: He has a pacemaker. There is always someone ahead.Is more competitive, wants to overtake older child. May become a rebel or try to outdo everyone. Competition can deteriorate into rivalry.; MIDDLE :Is "sandwiched" in. May feel squeezed out of a position of privilege and significance.May be even-tempered, "take it or leave it" attitude. May have trouble finding a place or become a fighter of injustice.     http://ourworld.compuserve.com/homepages/hstein/birthord.htm  andhttp://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/birth_order.htm

I am the second child but also the middle child.  As I researched further, I found that   "Has neither rights of oldest nor privileges of youngest.  Feels life is unfair; Feels unloved, left out, squeezed; Feels doesn't have place in family; Becomes discouraged and "problem child" or elevates self by pushing down other siblings; Is adaptable. Learns to deal with both oldest and youngest sibling."

As hard as it was to read these hurtful yet truthful things, I know that they are true but can be dealt with and changed.  I have allowed the expectations of my parents, then my peers prior to having kids and then my children to control my life.  I was so busy trying to not to disappoint anyone that I failed everyone, including myself and God.  My mom wanted me to be successful by pursuing what she deemed as the perfect career, coupled with the perfect husband who looked a certain way and made a certain amount of money. I foolishly chased her dreams and tried to make them my own.  Not because I truly wanted them but  because I was tired of trying to get her attention.  I was never going to be my older brother(We will call him Over-achiever- OA for short). While I am intelligent and got great grades in school, they were never as good as OA's. OA graduated at 16 and had two engineering degrees by 22.  My mother never let me forget that.  If I got a 'B', it should have been an 'A'.  If I got an 'A' it was not a high-enough 'A'.  When I had an Assosciate's Degree, she pressed me about continuing to a Bachelor's.  Now that I have a Bachelors, she is asking me about a JD....and I have realized working in the legal arena as a forensics analyst, I don't want to go to law school anymore.   My little sister (We will call her Baby) never had to work hard for anything.  Baby seemed to have everything easy.  She never had to work hard for my parents' affection or approval and seemed to be the center of attention.  It was almost as if the five years I was here prior to her birth never  existed.  I think that in school, I wanted to be in the popular crowd to gain the approval and accolades of peers cause I was missing it at home. As the pursuit for approval consumed me, I became highly competitive with my peers, in an unhealthy way. With my male peers, I used sex, money, and status to gain approval.  None of that worked and with each sexual encounter, I lost a part of me.  With my female peers, I used educational favors (writing papers for them) and spending money when they need 'help'.  You know, I have finally gotten something in my head: "All achievements are eventually surpassed, records are broken, reputations fade, tributes are forgotten." (Purpose Driven Life, Rick Warren) You know, as I am writing this entry, my mother is not speaking to me yet again.  I am usually the one who apologizes, even when I have done nothing wrong. Again, as a need for approval, afraid of disappointing her.  That leaves me resentful toward her though.  I don't like the way she makes me feel.  With my dad, it was different.  I was virtually invisible.  So I would act out to get his attention, I guess my reasoning was "Any attention is a good thing."   I know now that whether anyone else values me, God values me and I am important to Him.  There are no strings attached.  Unlike people, His love has no conditions. 

I have hope that I can find my purpose in life.  I know for sure that my purpose can not depend on anyone else.  My purpose has to come from God not the other way around.  I can not base my happiness on what others feel or think about me.  I know what has driven me in the past:  My unhealthy obsessions with trophy relationships, trophy jobs, trophy cars, trophy children and becoming a trophy for my parents. So now I know what drove me, I must change my course and what drives me.  Yes, now, I want to be God-driven.

links: digg this    del.icio.us    technorati    reddit