You don't know me like that....

NOTE: I HAVE BEEN TRYING TO POST THIS SINCE SATURDAY SO IT MUST BE MEANT FOR SOMEONE TO READ...persistance is the key...The drama I have had trying to post this includes losing the whole entry because the computer froze, losing my changes when I was retyping it for the 2nd time.  Losing my changes when I attempted to reverse a paste... It was just a post to me, but it may be an affirmation or testimony to someone else....so without further ado....

I love my life now.  I didn't always though and I wasn't as tolerant as I am now.  If you had known me even 4 years ago, you would not have liked me much.  I was a head-snapping-tongue-clicking-eye-rolling-curse-you-out-quick sista.  Not proud of that, but that was me.  I grew up traveling and was the 'new kid in school' more than I care to remember.  I never seemed to fit in with anyone because I 'talked funny' (I had an accent that was a hodge-podge of British, Portuguese, Ghaniese and French.  It was from everywhere and nowhere.) *smile* .  I developed thick skin, at least to the outside world,  because of it though.  That is not a good thing.  I trusted no one further than I could see them and truth be told, my trust issues have followed me to adulthood.  Looking back, I have sabatoged a series of relationships, romantic as well as friendships.  Why?  Because I had the mistaken belief that everyone wants something from you.  I mean not necessarily money, it could be time or even just a contact with someone you know.  I had that belief because my mother made me feel that way.  She said that about everyone.  Maybe because she is like that.  My mother forms strategic relationships.  What I mean by that is that any relationships she forms, acquaintance, friendship, romantic or otherwise, benefits her in some way.  So think about it, if you only form relationships based on how it can benefit you, you are more likely to think that everyone forms relationships based on the same principles.   What's worse though is that if she DOES NOT like someone, for whatever reason, if I do like them, I am treated as a traitor. 

The way my mother has treated me really bothered me until recently.    I told her about 6 months ago that she always made me feel like an outcast.  Her response was  "When?"  I tried to point out specifics but she just seemed confused and close-minded regarding it.  I can't change it, she can't change it, but what I can do is not repeat it.  I refuse to dwell on the past and allow it to define my future.  I just can not wallow in a sea of self pity. I did not always feel this way though.  We are human, we all get hurt.  I have had my feelings hurt more than a little bit.  I was always a wreck because I wore my feelings on my sleeve.  I was often too sensitive and everyone's criticism became my measuring stick.   I can not be everything to everyone and I can not save the world.  I realize that now.    I refuse to allow the mistakes of my past to become the excuses of my present and the blockades of my future.  On top of that, I will not allow others to condemn me for the mistakes I have made.  Who are they to do so?  See, in the Bible it tells me NO ONE is perfect (Romans 3:23 For all have sinned and come short of the glory of God).  So no one can judge me. 

 Truth be told, my virtual friends know more about me and how I feel than my 'live' ones.  Between the keyboard, and my pen and paper, I express more by writing. But , I started getting really close to Jesus.  When I can't talk to anyone, I can talk to Him.  He is all I need.  He is a friend to the friendless, a mother to the motherless, a father to the fatherless, a lawyer to the falsely accused, a doctor to the sick.  Although I am not where I want to be, I know I am nowhere near where I was a few years ago.  I had a quick temper (I'm still working on it but my fuse is no where near as short as it used to be.) I was known to make cutting remarks, especially when I was hurting,  but that is no way to be.  I would rather someone hit me than say something mean and nasty.  The bruise will heal, but it is harder to get over emotional abuse because that tape just plays over and over in your head. 

The one thing about changing is that no one that knew you 'back when' will let you change, at least not in their mind.  They will always bring up the old you.  Reminding you of all the old ways you have put behind you.  God tells me in 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore if any man be in Christ, he is a new creature: old things are passed away; behold all things are become new.  So if He has forgotten about the old me, no one on earth, including me, should dwell on the things the old me did because you don't know me like that.

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